Im at a point of breaking down..im turning shaky...and by the time im unable to control it anymore.

O Allah...Pls give me all the strength that i need. I admit i have not been religiously good but by nature humans like me will always voice out to u, Whenever they are surrounded by problems, only to u we will succumb.I can possibly lie to all those people out there that everything is fine...but i cant deny the fact that everything have went wrong..and everything is not alright. This ramadan was indeed the most challenging one. O Allah, i cant pretend anymore...I cant pretend to be alright when the fact that deep down inside im yelling and hoping that someone could hear me and bring me out of this darkness im currentlly in.

O Allah...My tears just couldnt stop flowing whenever i think of it. whatever that reminds me of it..i tend to be much more sensitive. What did i do till i cant reach just a lil bit of happines..??Why do the gave me this kind of treatment when i never did them wrong...? Why am i being label too good?? Isnt that better...to know someone good..or do u need me to go back to my oldself to fit into them.. Do u want me to remove my hijab just to prove to them..that im not a good girl? Do u want me to puff that cigarette again just to prove to them that i fit into them? Will they like me, if i became like that. O allah, im not perfect..ive done too much sin that i do not want to add more...Or issit that i have sin a lot that till even i change to be a better person..people still doesnt want to accept who am i. and being too good became the reason now.

O Allah, i just couldnt help it...I always ask myself..when does this gonna end..As much as i want it to end, i want it to end in happiness not bitterness. Ive went thru a lot...and i do now want to go thru all over again. Its no point if im the only one who stand strong to prove them wrong..but some parties...have begin to look down and about to give up..My future is so blur..my vision is blur..i cant even see where i stand in the nx 10 years.

Oh Allah..i beg for ur forgiveness..Only you who knoe how i feel..and how things are...Pls give me the patience..the brain to think wisely for me to settle the problems im holding on to. Pls show me the way..coz as time pass by..i culdnt hold on longer..For sure...one day..i will bring up the white flag and say i surrender...~